Part 1 : The idea in a nutshell

  • The job of a father might be to create a self sustaining child who can cope with the difficulties which come in life by creating in them a belief that ‘the child is enough’
  • In the ‘old days’ young men were given challenges by the men of their group. For example ‘go over there and don’t come back until you’ve killed a bear.’
  • By undertaking these tasks, boys became men and, when they face adversity later in life they knew that they had mettle they could rely on.
  • This idea pops up everywhere, including in films.

Pub conversations and being a dad

I am very lucky to have good friends, with whom I often get to sit down with at the pub and talk about Matters Of The Day. These friends challenge me and often make me think differently. If you’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with, I’ll be making them worse, while they make me better.

Just the other day I was with one friend talking about some of the challenges of life, including being a father. We were considering what made a good dad. I’ve been spending some time with another friend who has a couple of boys. Simply being around means you’re influencing them as they grow.

The question of what it means to be a good father

I watched this for no better reason that Google told me to.

The subject is about raising boys. I actually think it might have been all about raising boys in the old days but now, the lesson in it applies to both (perhaps I should say ‘all’) genders. In the video, Jung says the role of the father is to separate the child from the mother and prepare them for an independent life.

What I took from the video was that mums were kind, loving and supportive. For some people, Mum is the safe place to go when someone wants to cry, eat or complain. Everyone would like to have a kind mum.

Go over there and kill a bear

On the other hand, the job of the father (according to this video) is to counter some of that nurturing instinct. Ultimately, says Jung, the goal of the father is to make the child independent.

Fathers used to do this by sending the kid out to kill a bear. Obviously, that’s risky. But it occurred to me that the fact is, the world contains bears. You’d best be able to kill them if you want to live competently in reality. Your dad isn’t going to be around all the time. When he dies, he needs to be sure that his progeny can kill bears – or they won’t live long in his absence.

What is a bear?

I think in the old days, a bear was a bear. Or an army. Something physical which might kill you.

These days, I think bears are different. The core of it all seemed to me to be that bears represent risk to the individual or what the individual considers important. (Things can’t be at risk unless they are important to the individual) So, these days, a bear could be heartbreak when you’re young, or bankruptcy, or perhaps divorce when you’re older.

In essence, I think the job of a father is to teach self-reliance to kids – that they can overcome any of the obstacles that life will inevitably throw at them.

What is ‘Truth’?

Not sure if you’ve bumped in to him but I’ve watched a few Jordan Peterson YouTube videos too. He has influenced my thinking in a couple of ways. The one which is relevant here is that he says that the stories we tell each other are meaningful. Their components can be True, in the sense that they appear broadly through the fabric of life and mean more than we think they do. These stories come in many forms. They’re fairy tales. They’re books like Hamlet and poems like Odyssey. But they can also be told through more contemporary media. Films, for example, are an exemplar of the stories we tell each other.

As a result, having watched the video above, I thought about films which started with the child being separated from the mother.

If this idea (‘Men separate the child from the mother and teach them to kill bears’) is True,

AND IF, as Jordan Petersen says Truth is everywhere and in the stories we tell,
THEN wouldn’t this idea be everywhere, especially in films and perhaps disproportionately in films
for kids?

The answer, I was surprised to find, was ‘Yes.’ Here’s what I found. I’ll start with the end and work backwards. I think, based on films, that the job of a father is essentially to impart self-reliance:

  • Get the kid away from the mother.
  • Help them understand that the world includes ‘bears.’ (Risks to the things they value.)
  • Support the job/role/task the child picks for themselves – in a world containing ‘bears’.
  • Critically, when things get tough, tell the kid ‘you are enough to deal with this.’ (Impart self reliance.)

Remember, you can hear the voice of the father from people who are not the father.

I had a think about some stories I’d heard which included these topic. The examples I’ve used were not hard to find. The criteria for selection were specific – films which began with a child being separated from its mother. I noticed that some of them followed a consistent flow and contained common elements.

Part 2: 60 second overview

  • In the text above, I suggested that the job of a father might be to create self-sustaining kids in a world containing risks to the thing they value.
  • Here, I provide a few examples.
  • It could be that this idea is ‘True’ in the sense that it appears in many places throughout our culture.
  • However, if I had been a father, I would probably have liked to show some kindness and support to the child I’d had – so that we remained friends in older age.

Examples of films which contain these themes

It was interesting to me that the films which most readily came to mind were children’s films.

  1. Dumbo
  • Separated from the mother: The film Dumbo begins with Dumbo being separated from his mother at the circus.
  • The hero goes on some adventures and meets a few people: On his travels, Dumbo meets Timothy Q Mouse. Timothy isn’t Dumbo’s father but he says a lot of the things a father might.
  • The hero has a job to do: Dumbo’s job is to fly around in a circus using his ears.
  • The bears in this world are: Exploitative circus owners and crows who take the piss out of him.
  • When he finds it tough: Dumbo has been using a feather to reassure him he can fly. At one stage he drops this feather and becomes convinced he is going to fall to his death. Timothy Q Mouse picks up his ear and says something like ‘It was never the feather Dumbo. It was always you. You can fly – you don’t need the feather.’ And then Dumbo flies.

    Note: The message from the mouse is: You’re enough to do this job.

  1. Star wars (Episode IV)
  • Separated from the mother: Star Wars begins with Luke coming home to find that his mother figure (an aunt if I remember correctly) has been killed.
  • The hero goes on some adventures and meets a few people: On his travels, Luke meets Obi Wan. Obi Wan isn’t his father but he says a lot of the things a father might.
  • The hero has a job to do: Luke wants to blow up the Death Star.
  • The bears in this world are: The Empire and The Emperor.
  • When he finds it tough: Luke is approaching the heat vent in his X Wing Fighter and is just about to shoot when he hears Obi Wan saying ‘You don’t need the guidance computer Luke. Use the Force’

    Note: The message from Obi Wan to Luke is: You’re enough to do this job.

(Star Wars gets a bit messy because Darth Vader is actually Luke’s dad.)

  1. Batman
  • Separated from the mother: Batman starts with Batman’s mother being shot by the joker.
  • The hero goes on some adventures and meets a few people: On his travels, Batman meets Alfred the butler. Alfred isn’t Batman’s father but he says a lot of the things a father might.
  • The hero has a job to do: Clean up Gotham.
  • The bears in this world are: Villains like the Penguin and Catwoman.
  • When he finds it tough: (From the Dark Knight) Endure, Master Wayne. Take it. They’ll hate you for it, but that’s the point of Batman, he can be the outcast.

    Note: Albert’s message is you’re enough to do this job.

Summarising and limiting

Obviously, I’m not a dad. Neither am I a media studies student or a psychologist. This is all content derived from common sense and a bit of thought. I do feel a bit uncomfortable commenting because this is not really my area.

However, I sometimes say the sort of things a father might.

At my friend’s house just the other day I watched one of her boys (nearly 5 years old) struggling to pull up the zip on his jacket. I just watched. I figured he’d get it in the end. When he told me he couldn’t do it, I said something like ‘You’ve got this buddy. What happens if you pull that bit down and then slide the other side in.’ Then his mum came over and zipped it up for him.

I guess I am saying that I see this stuff everywhere I go now.

It’s in ‘A Boy Named Sue’ by Johnny Cash.

It basically encapsulates the entirety of If— by Rudyard Kipling

‘If you can make one heap of all your winnings,Especially the bit which says 
and risk it on one turn of pitch and toss,
and lose, and start again at your beginning
and never breathe a word about your loss.’

The film ‘Kung Fu Panda’ follows exactly the same flow. I’ve only seen it once but I think the ending is where the Panda looks in to a golden mirror – which is the solution to all the world’s problems. The list goes on and on.

But there is a limit to all of this. I think the dad I would want to have been if I had kids would not be simply and only a stoic, cold, hard, distant autocrat. Many of the fathers I see portrayed in the media and that I have experienced elsewhere are those things and often those things alone. I read that most kids have a close relationship with their mothers but only one in 7 has a close relationship with their fathers. That seems sad to me. It’s not the legacy I would have wanted to leave.

I guess the question to those reading is, as a father, do you see this as relevant to your role?